I wouldn’t be alive today if not for Him, he physically prevented me from killing myself. I made it past the weekend I planned to end it all, so I feel like I can make past every other day, or so I think. I wrote my suicide notes and my “handover notes”.
I didn’t want to leave a messy affair behind. Life has to continue without me and things I left undone can be completed. I even wrote a debtors list, just because I’m dead does not mean you keep owing me money. The Ijebu in me will not allow you and my ghost will not rest till you pay up or I take something back from you. I hate people that owe with all my heart! I wrote about how I was going to do it here https://hephiebrown.wordpress.com/2016/02/22/the-girl-who-predicted-her-death/
I told a few people and it’s funny how most of them thought I was joking. That only fueled me to want to do it. Everyone just assumes that because you smile and laugh and post controversial stuff on social media all is well in your world. Bull crap. It is not well, not even close. I am tired of smiling and acting like all is well. I’ve always been depressed. I grew up in an abusive home, i got molested by adults around me and no one even noticed, my own family members successfully shredded every bit of self esteem they should have helped me grow, I slept with a knife under my pillow every night waiting for the guts to just do it, i wrote numerous suicide notes, I prayed everyday for God to just frigging take me, I got into abusive relationships all in the name of love, I always sought self-validation from a loved one rather than just focus on loving myself. I got over most of it, but of course I feel scared. Even with people around me that “claim to love” me, I still don’t feel content. Yes, I know, I am clinically depressed, thanks to google and online tests. I took like 15 hoping the results will change. I’m supposed to have bipolar disorder too LOL(can the christians in the house say “God Forbid”)
This is somewhat of a testimony..maybe if I made it through this last days, maybe I’ll make it through every other day. Just Maybe.