Ok, so I want to confess.. I am feeling quite depressed.. I don’t know what, I don’t know why, I mean it’s for a lot of reasons but not one concrete one, and even tho this state is not new to me, well I’m saying it out loud(writing) not exactly loud since I doubt 15 people who know me will ever see this…this is not one of those “I am depressed I need some attention” speeches, this is a very quiet one where no reassurance would work cos I know everything will be alright, I’m just really tired of waiting.. It’s a silent form of depression where I laugh and play and act like everything is very alright and I hug and act lousy like I don’t have a care in the world, but indeed where nothing is alright and I’m just tired of hanging on and having faith.. That F word that pastors use to keep bringing you back Sunday after Sunday and the one people of God so easily scream in your face when you tell them of a problem they can easily help you with instead. Not that I’m not grateful for how far I’ve come in life, jeez the only emotion I sometimes know is gratefulness, I’m just, tired.
I’m not sure how it’s cool for you to wake up today feeling like a motivational speaker and tomorrow you’re the one crying for help. All I know is, I’m tired of the pain I feel every night I go to sleep. That deadness everytime I try to feel anything else… I just am.